When the Pirates Took Plymouth Rock: The Thanksgiving Pageant
by staceleo
Summary: How the worst possible Thanksgiving Pageant became the best thing to ever happen to Bella Swan. Rampaging pirates and screaming turkeys to start your holidays the right way. One Shot.


**AN: Warning: All Thanksgiving facts in this tale are seriously flawed.**

**Happy Thanksgiving**!

When the Pirates Took Plymouth Rock: The Thanksgiving Pageant

Tiny turkeys were stumbling around the stage of the auditorium. Edward Cullen watched them trip over each other, as their brightly feathered headdresses shed their plumage all over the wood floor. One little boy stood in the middle picking his nose and proceeded to eat it. Edward tried not to gag.

"Mikey ate a booger! He's so gross!" A pig-tailed, little girl screamed. She was tiny, but her loud voice dwarfed the silly music that was being played on the record player behind the children. The fact that the school still used record players made Edward laugh. This place needed to get out of the past. Unfortunately, updated audio systems weren't a part of the budget.

"I'm going to stick my boogers in your mouth, Vicki!" The boy exclaimed. "They're yummy!"

He yawned as he watched the booger muncher start pummeling the loud mouth girl. It was a given that when the kindergarten class was involved there would be at least one fight that would involve pushing or biting. It was almost boring until the main attraction arrived. Suddenly, Edward wanted popcorn.

"Kids! No fighting! Michael, stop putting your fingers in her mouth!" Bella Swan ran onto the stage with her plaid, tweed skirt flipping around in the air and shoving those tortoise shell glasses up her small nose.

Edward smirked and imagined pulling her bun and having all that brown hair tumble down. He was sure there was a sexier description than just brown, but he was a simple man and knew what he liked. He liked that girl and all her brown.

Flustered, Bella Swan was trying to stop an all-out kindergartener war. Brock had launched himself on a crying Hannah. Meanwhile, Elise and Lydia were working as a team to rip out the feathers of little Jason's turkey hat. She felt a few small hands tug on her skirt. The little monsters were attempting to pull her down skirt. "Stop it! Get back in your places, guys!"

"Miss Swan, do you need some assistance?" Edward couldn't help saying with a snicker. He would be perfectly happy assisting the removal of the comely teacher's skirt.

"No, Mr. Cullen!" She spat. "I have everything in control."

Bella had never particularly liked Edward Cullen. He had gotten the gym teacher job from the principal who was his brother. Watching him play with his cell phone while her students were hitting each other with balls during physical education, as she tried to save her smaller pupils did not endear him to her at all. It was even worse now that he was the sub for Mrs. Weber's fifth grade class. That class would barely make it into the sixth grade. The whole group was probably regressing to second grade level mentality.

A pink feather fell onto her head and she tried to wipe it away, but more feathers took its place. The whole stage was covered in them. One child slipped on one and skidded across the stage floor. The child had an epic meltdown.

Bella just looked up at the bright lights and sighed. This was going to be the worst Thanksgiving pageant in Fork's Elementary School's history. She sniffed. The dust from the curtain was making her allergies flair up.

That wasn't how it appeared to Edward. In his eyes, the girl of his dreams was overcome by sadness and beginning to cry. He sprang into action. He jumped onto the stage and pulled her close. "Don't cry, Miss Swan! I will help you!"

"It's my allergies!" She tried to discreetly shove him off of her, but it was a bit too forceful. Edward stumbled backwards and almost landed on one of the tiny turkeys.

Both of Bella's hands went over her mouth in shock. Her already large eyes grew even bigger. "I'm so sorry!"

"It is perfectly fine, Miss Swan. That was pretty hot," Edward cooed and wiggled his eyebrows. He found her owl eyes to be sexy, though in reality he was terrified of those feathered beasts.

Bella huffed angrily before calling to her group of quarreling small terrors. "All right, gang! Line up to go back to the classroom for snack!"

At the mention of food, the horde of kindergarteners ran into the worst line ever created. Edward chuckled as Vicki pulled on his sweatshirt. Her high pitched voice yelled, "If you have you're hot, you have a fever! Mommy told me! You need to go to the nurse!"

See Mrs. Cope the nurse? Edward wasn't insane. That woman kept trying to squeeze his butt when he had to go in there for a Band-Aid.

The only thing Edward was hot for was teacher. Vicki's teacher to be exact.

"Go on, kid," he directed, as he stared at her teacher's butt as she lead her minions off the stage. In Edward's mind, Bella was the picture of sin in tweed. His mind went to dirty places with Bella, the school's library and her naked on a pile of books. He wasn't a reader by any stretch of the imagination, but he could find kinky uses for any random object. For instance, the chalk in his classroom could be used to draw—

"Mr. Cullen, shouldn't you be working with your students?" Jane Smith snapped, as she pointed over to his class who were now using the seats of the auditorium as their personal playground. "I hope you don't plan on using the stage. My class needs to practice our poems about being thankful."

Edward just glared at the second grade teacher. Her poor class was lined up like soldiers at attention with puckered up faces that mirrored Jane's. He wouldn't be surprised if she made the lot of them suck on lemons as a punishment. Jane was an uptight witch whose only saving grace was her friendship with Bella.

"My class is handling it. You know cowboys and Indians." Edward crossed his arms smugly.

"You mean Pilgrims and Native Americans, idiot," she whispered harshly. "Leave so I can get to work!"

"Wait! I've got a question about Miss Swan!" He blurted out. He hated dealing with Jane, but she could be the key.

"I've got the answer," Jane stated with a mean smile. "She isn't interested in idiot gym teachers with an ego. Bella has enough things on her plate without worrying about you."

He ignored her. "Does she have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"Does she want a boyfriend?"

"No."

Edward loudly announced, "Oh God! Is she a lesbian?"

"I wish."

"What?" Edward looked at Jane in surprise. He should have known.

Jane scowled at him. "She's too nice for you."

"I could be _very_ nice to her, Smith!" Edward pleaded, "Give me something to work with."

A plan came to Jane at the moment. The smile on her face was positively wicked. It was hard for her to hold back an evil cackle. "I'll help you, Cullen. I'm feeling extremely generous."

"Thank you!"

"Bella loves pirates and history. I think you can combine the two and woo her at the pageant. Make a huge gesture."

He looked at his nemesis with excitement. "Tell me more!"

"Let me tell you the tale of the time the pirates took over Plymouth Rock and saved Thanksgiving—"

If there was one thing that Jane was absolutely certain of it was Edward Cullen was as bright as a box of rocks. This was going to be fun.

XXXXXX

Bella was stressed, tired and a bundle of nerves.

Her father had a rough night and she was up for most of it trying to help give some sort of comfort. When she finally was able to put her head down to get some sleep the nightmares came. Erotic dreams about Edward Cullen were not her cup of tea, she had previously believed. Now she wasn't so sure. The images came flooding back as she was trying to dress her students in their feathers headdresses that took her two hours to resemble after yesterday's disastrous rehearsal.

_Bella was wandering through a large meadow filled with plastic flowers in traditional pilgrim garb that was filled with people pushing shopping carts. She pushed past them yelling, "I need two, frozen turkey dinners! Where is the frozen food aisle?" _

_She was getting desperate, because couldn't feed her father plastic flowers. It wasn't Thanksgiving appropriate!_

_"Dear pilgrim, methinks you need my assistance." Standing before her was Edward Cullen who was shirtless and wearing a pair of tight breeches. _

_"Edward?"_

_He laughed loudly. The shoppers looked at him in disgust and then continued crushing the flowers with their shopping carts. "I'm Pan, dear lady!"_

_"Like in Shakespeare's—_

_"I have no idea who that is." Edward looked at her in confusion, but then he changed it to a smile. "I was going to offer my flute for your enjoyment! You seem stressed and my flute can relax you."_

_"Are you going to play a song?" _

_"No, dear lady! You shall do the playing!" He pulled down his pants. "Just wrap your lips around it and blow!" _

_"I don't think that's how you play a flute. I would call it a clarinet or a trumpet, but not a flute." Bella started to walk away, when she heard Edward whimper._

_"My flute is oh so sad." He looked positively bereft._

_Bella stomped back and got on her knees. "Fine, but only for a few minutes. I need to buy cranberry sauce in a can." _

_She wrapped her mouth around his large flute._

"Miss Swan, I think I ate a feather!" Mikey pulled on her dress.

Bella screamed. It wasn't much different than the scream that came out of her when she woke up from her dream.

"Bella? Are you okay? Are all the feathers falling off? You really need to use the glue I bought!" Alice Whitlock came running up. The woman was covered in bangle bracelets that made a clinking sound when she moved. She was the class room mother and helpful to the point of driving Bella insane. "Did Christopher hit someone?"

Her child was also a menace.

"Not yet," Bella admitted truthfully. "I didn't sleep well. I had this dream—"

"About Edward Cullen?" Alice asked with a giggle.

Bella looked at her in surprise. "How did you know?"

"You stare at him, Bella! I think you're in love!" Alice clapped her hands and bounced. "You two would be adorable! Have you seen him today? He's making me horny!"

Bella wanted to murder Alice, because her words rang some bits of truth. She was attracted to Edward and hated every second of that feeling. She hissed, "The children, Alice! We need to line them up and get them all ready to sing."

The children were manhandled into their places as the curtain rose. Bella whispered with a big smile on her face, "Sing nice and loud! You can do it!"

The children sang very quietly, "Turkey time is here—"

"A little louder," Bella implored. Their high voices went up a decibel.

"Colorful leaves and thankful things. I love turkey and cranberry—" They sang and blinked their eyes at all the flashing bulbs.

Bella was blinded by all the lights too. It was awful that those parents were blinding their offspring to make precious memories.

All of a sudden, there was a war cry, "Kill all the turkeys and take them back to the ship!"

The stage was bombarded by a group of rabid fifth graders dressed as pirates. A group of fifth grade girls stood in a corner dressed as parrots and glared at the proceedings. The lead pirate came in and sauntered over and grinned at Bella. Edward asked jauntily, "Do you find me sexy?"

Bella just stared dumbfounded at Edward, who had his shirt unbuttoned to his waist, black leather pansy and was decked out in gold chains. She thought he looked more like a throwback from an awful, eighties hair band.

The ruffian fifth graders ran around screaming, "Kill the turkeys! Yo Ho Ho!"

The kindergarteners just cried in fear.

"Stop them!" Bella hissed.

She tried to save her class, but Edward pulled her to his chest and announced to the crowd, "For score and seven years ago, our country was founded—"

"That's not the pilgrims, Mr. Cullen!" She struggled to free herself from his iron grasp.

Edward kept spouting nonsense. "The Indians and pilgrims wrote the Declaration of Independence on parchment while enjoying a bounty of turkey, cranberry sauce and green bean salad."

"That is seriously flawed history, Mr. Cullen!"

"This was in the year that Rome fell and the Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel!" Edward threw on arm in the air dramatically while the other held the furious Bella. "It was also when the dread pirate John Smith decided to conquer Plymouth Rock and pillage the pilgrims for their gold!"

"How did you get this job? Is Principal Cullen insane? Did you blackmail him?" Bella asked in wonder. "How did you even graduate elementary school?"

"That was when the dreaded pirate John Smith met the lovely Pocahontas." He stuck feathers in Bella's hair and continued, "They had conversations with a talking tree and had a pet raccoon."

"You're describing the plot of a Disney cartoon, moron!" Bella was losing any little bit of sanity she had left.

Turkey children were trying to cling to her legs for safety.

"I'm going to scalp me a turkey!" Jimmy, a fifth grader yelled. He grabbed Vicki by the pigtails and brandished his plastic sword.

"Aaahhhh!" Vicki was a crying, slobbery mess.

Bella escaped Edward's hold and ran to rescue her poor student. "Close the curtains, Emmett! Close them now!"

She could hear Jane cackling from backstage and knew exactly what happened. Bella stomped offstage leaving the chaos with Edward running after her.

"Miss Swan!"

The poor kindergarten teacher raised a middle finger in the air. "Back off, Mr. Cullen!"

XXXXXX

Bella hid backstage in a small dressing room and listened to the rest of the pageant listening to the singing and poetry reading from the rest of the grades which went smoothly. The loud applause signaled the end of the show and she buried her head in her hands. It was certain in her mind that she was going to be fired.

"Bella, Emmett isn't going to fire you." Edward stood leaning against the doorway. "He thinks the whole thing is hilarious."

"You're a mind reader now?" She glared at him. "What am I thinking now?"

"I wish I could say that you think I'm the most dashing man in the world, but I'm guessing that you want to kill me." He shut the door, coming over to sit next to her on the couch.

She sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "Bingo. Why did you listen to Jane? I heard her laughing, so I was certain she played a part in this mess."

"I thought she was wrong at first, but she's smart so—"

"Mr. Cullen, she's diabolical." Bella looked at his pretty and clueless eyes.

Edward frowned in thought. "Huh."

"She came up with an evil plan to embarrass you!" Bella shook her head at the handsome, empty headed man.

"Oh." He took her hand. His expression was melancholy. "I'm sorry, Bella. I was trying to impress you and only made you sad."

"It's okay," she said quietly. All of a sudden, Bella felt the need to open up. She had bottled up, so many emotions of lately. She rambled, "I need my job, Mr. Cullen. I take care of my dad. He's in a wheelchair and I didn't have enough money to purchase a turkey, because of the medical bills. I have to feed him a frozen dinner. What kind of a daughter am I?"

Her eyes filled with tears. Edward held her as she cried. "What can I do to help?"

Bella looked up as he wiped the tears away so sweetly and she was filled with a need for him. She grabbed the back of his head and kissed him hard.

He pulled away slightly. "Bella, what are you—"

"Ravage me, Pirate John Smith!"

"Bella, this isn't how I imagined—" His eyes grew large, as she pulled off her dress.

He was falling in love with this crazy girl. It was fast, but when had he done anything in a normal fashion.

"Will you respect me afterwards?" He asked nervously.

She was about to lose her nerve, so she snapped, "Off with your breeches!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

The rest of their clothing went flying around the small room. Edward's shirt hit the wall.

They fumbled on the couch with hasty kisses and frantic touches. Edward accidentally pulled Bella's hair making her groan and demand, "More!"

She bit his ear. He squeezed her butt. It was a flurry of awkward motions on the tiny couch that both were enjoying.

"Edward, pillage me now!"

"Umm—" he said. He didn't bring any sort of protection, because who would have ever thought he would be having sex backstage at an elementary school.

"I'm on the pill," she explained. Bella gave him a kiss and straddled him. The quick moves made them both tumble off the couch.

Edward found the landing a tad painful, but Bella kept moving on him. He felt himself ignoring the pain and enjoying Bella. He was so very close and screamed, "Bella!"

Bella found her release shortly after and cried, "Mr. Cullen!"

She collapsed in his arms and relished in his sweaty embrace for a moment. Then she hurriedly stood and got dressed feeling ashamed at her inappropriate behavior.

"Bella—"

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Cullen!" She looked at him with a sad smile. "Have a lovely Thanksgiving."

Edward watched as she ran out of the room. He made a decision at that moment and stood up to start his plan.

XXXXXX

It was early Thanksgiving morning, when the doorbell to Bella's house rang. She had just gotten her father settled in to watch the parade. He was a big fan of the marching bands. Charlie's shaking hands would tap to the beat. The medicine for his Parkinson's was working today. The tremors were less than they had been yesterday.

She hurried to the door and opened it to find a chipper Edward carrying a pot of rust colored mums. He said with a grin, "Happy Thanksgiving, Bella! You look fetching in your pajamas."

They were covered in cartoon kittens.

"What are you doing here, Mr. Cullen?" She looked at him nervously. Bella didn't want to like him, but she did. Her heart was beating like a tom-tom drum.

"It's Edward, Bella." He walked in and deposited a kiss on her cheek. "I'm here for our first date!"

"My father?"

Edward looked in to see Charles Swan sitting in his wheelchair watching the television. "Good morning, Chief Swan. Would you like to come to my family's house for Thanksgiving?"

"Are you feeding me frozen dinners, boy?" Charlie asked.

"No, sir." Edward sat on the old plaid couch near Bella's father. "My mother is an excellent cook and excited to have you come over."

Bella came in slowly and whispered, "Edward, it's too late to get a van to bring my dad."

"Emmett and I talked to our father. He's a doctor at the hospital and made some calls. I have a van outside." He gave her a wink.

"Thank you." She had grossly underestimated this kind man. Bella was falling hard for Edward.

He beamed at her. "Get ready to be wooed, Bella Swan."

"About time, Bella got a boyfriend," Charlie quipped. "I thought she was one of those lesbians."

Bella ignored her father and leaned over to give Edward a sweet kiss. It was going to be a wonderful Thanksgiving after all.


End file.
